I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
you never un-have a 4some
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
