She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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