Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
