That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
