the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
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you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
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I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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