my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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