I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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