I love black thongs
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
