He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
