I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
