I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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