Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
