Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
