I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
