imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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