Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
