after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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