Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
