The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if you like me you must not know who I am
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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