: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
