I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
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I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
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Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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