drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
