dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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