Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
