he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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