There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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