ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
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I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
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I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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