The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
