i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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