a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
