I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
