Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
