I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
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My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
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Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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