I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
