dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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