He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
