tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
