if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
