my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
