I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
