I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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