Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
