I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
