Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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