Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
