She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
