Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.