Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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