I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just pee around me
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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