I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
