The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online