Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
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Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
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The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.