I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.