he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
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A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
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We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?