so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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