this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
