Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
