masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
