he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
